The three little pigs

The animal I really dig,

Above all others is the pig.

Pigs are noble. Pigs are clever,

Pigs are courteous. However,

Now and then, to break this rule,

One meets a pig who is a fool.

What, for example, would you say,

If strolling through the woods one day,

Right there in front of you you saw

A pig who'd built his house of STRAW?

The Wolf who saw it licked his lips,

And said, 'That pig has had his chips.'

'Little pig, little pig, let me come in!'

'No, no, by the hairs on my chinny-chin-chin!'

'Then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house in!'

The little pig began to pray,

But Wolfie blew his house away.

He shouted, 'Bacon, pork and ham!

Oh, what a lucky Wolf I am!'

And though he ate the pig quite fast,

He carefully kept the tail till last.

Wolf wandered on, a trifle bloated.

Surprise, surprise, for soon he noted

Another little house for pigs,

And this one had been built of TWIGS!

'Little pig, little pig, let me come in!'

'No, no, by the hairs on my chinny-chin-chin!'

'Then I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house in!'

The Wolf said, 'Okay, here we go!'

He then began to blow and blow.

The little pig began to squeal.

He cried, 'Oh Wolf, you've had one meal!

Why can't we talk and make a deal?

The Wolf replied, 'Not on your nelly!'

And soon the pig was in his belly.

'Two juicy little pigs!' Wolf cried,

'But still I'm not quite satisfied!

I know how full my tummy's bulging,

But oh, how I adore indulging.'

So creeping quietly as a mouse,

The Wolf approached another house,

A house which also had inside

A little piggy trying to hide.

'You'll not get me!' the Piggy cried.

'I'll blow you down!' the Wolf replied.

'You'll need,' Pig said, 'a lot of puff,

And I don't think you've got enough.'

Wolf huffed and puffed and blew and blew.

The house stayed up as good as new.

'If I can't blow it down,' Wolf said,

I'll have to blow it up instead.

I'll come back in the dead of night

And blow it up with dynamite!'

Pig cried, 'You brute! I might have known!'

Then, picking up the telephone,

He dialed as quickly as he could

The number of red Riding Hood.

'Hello,' she said. 'Who's speaking? Who?

Oh, hello, Piggy, how d'you do?'

Pig cried, 'I need your help, Miss Hood!

Oh help me, please! D'you think you could?'

'I'll try of course,' Miss Hood replied.

'What's on your mind ...?' 'A Wolf!' Pig cried.

'I know you've dealt with wolves before,

And now I've got one at my door!'

'My darling Pig,' she said, 'my sweet,

That's something really up my street.

I've just begun to wash my hair.

But when it's dry, I'll be right there.'

A short while later, through the wood,

Came striding brave Miss Riding Hood.

The Wolf stood there, his eyes ablaze,

And yellowish, like mayonnaise.

His teeth were sharp, his gums were raw,

And spit was dripping from his jaw.

Once more the maiden's eyelid flickers.

She draws the pistol from her knickers.

Once more she hits the vital spot,

And kills him with a single shot.

Pig, peeping through the window, stood

And yelled, 'Well done, Miss Riding Hood!'

Ah, Piglet, you must never trust

Young ladies from the upper crust.

For now, Miss Riding Hood, one notes,

Not only has two wolfskin coats,

But when she goes from place to place,

She has a PIGSKIN TRAVELLING CASE.

Roald Dahl

Red riding hood and the wolf

As soon as Wolf began to feel

That he would like a decent meal,

He went and knocked on Grandma's door.

When Grandma opened it, she saw

The sharp white teeth, the horrid grin,

And Wolfie said, 'May I come in?'

Poor Grandmamma was terrified,

'He's going to eat me up!' she cried.

And she was absolutely right.

He ate her up in one big bite.

But Grandmamma was small and tough,

And Wolfie wailed, 'That's not enough!

I haven't yet begun to feel

That I have had a decent meal!'

He ran around the kitchen yelping,

'I've got to have a second helping!'

Then added with a frightful leer,

'I'm therefore going to wait right here

Till Little Miss Red Riding Hood

Comes home from walking in the wood.'

He quickly put on Grandma's clothes,

(Of course he hadn't eaten those).

He dressed himself in coat and hat.

He put on shoes, and after that,

He even brushed and curled his hair,

Then sat himself in Grandma's chair.

In came the little girl in red.

She stopped. She stared. And then she said,

'What great big ears you have, Grandma.'

'All the better to hear you with,'

the Wolf replied.

'What great big eyes you have, Grandma.'

said Little Red Riding Hood.

'All the better to see you with,'

the Wolf replied.

He sat there watching her and smiled.

He thought, I'm going to eat this child.

Compared with her old Grandmamma,

She's going to taste like caviar.

Then Little Red Riding Hood said, '

But Grandma, what a lovely great big

furry coat you have on.'

'That's wrong!' cried Wolf.

'Have you forgot

To tell me what BIG TEETH I've got?

Ah well, no matter what you say,

I'm going to eat you anyway.'

The small girl smiles. One eyelid flickers.

She whips a pistol from her knickers.

She aims it at the creature's head,

And bang bang bang, she shoots him dead.

A few weeks later, in the wood,

I came across Miss Riding Hood.

But what a change! No cloak of red,

No silly hood upon her head.

She said, 'Hello, and do please note

My lovely furry wolfskin coat.'

Roald Dahl

Cinderella

I guess you think you know this story.

You don't. The real one's much more gory.

The phoney one, the one you know,

Was cooked up years and years ago,

And made to sound all soft and sappy

just to keep the children happy.

Mind you, they got the first bit right,

The bit where, in the dead of night,

The Ugly Sisters, jewels and all,

Departed for the Palace Ball,

While darling little Cinderella

Was locked up in a slimy cellar,

Where rats who wanted things to eat,

Began to nibble at her feet.

She bellowed 'Help!' and 'Let me out!

The Magic Fairy heard her shout.

Appearing in a blaze of light,

She said: 'My dear, are you all right?'

'All right?' cried Cindy. 'Can't you see

'I feel as rotten as can be!'

She beat her fist against the wall,

And shouted, 'Get me to the Ball!

'There is a Disco at the Palace!

'The rest have gone and I am jealous!

'I want a dress! I want a coach!

'And earrings and a diamond brooch!

'And silver slippers, two of those!

'And lovely nylon panty hose!

'Done up like that I'll guarantee

'The handsome Prince will fall for me!'

The Fairy said, 'Hang on a tick.'

She gave her wand a mighty flick

And quickly, in no time at all,

Cindy was at the Palace Ball!

It made the Ugly Sisters wince

To see her dancing with the Prince.

She held him very tight and pressed

herself against his manly chest.

The Prince himself was turned to pulp,

All he could do was gasp and gulp.

Then midnight struck. She shouted, 'Heck!

I've got to run to save my neck!'

The Prince cried, 'No! Alas! Alack!'

He grabbed her dress to hold her back.

As Cindy shouted, 'Let me go!'

The dress was ripped from head to toe.

She ran out in her underwear,

And lost one slipper on the stair.

The Prince was on it like a dart,

He pressed it to his pounding heart,

'The girl this slipper fits,' he cried,

'Tomorrow morn shall be my bride!

I'll visit every house in town

'Until I've tracked the maiden down!'

Then rather carelessly, I fear,

He placed it on a crate of beer.

At once, one of the Ugly Sisters,

(The one whose face was blotched with blisters)

Sneaked up and grabbed the dainty shoe,

And quickly flushed it down the loo.

Then in its place she calmly put

The slipper from her own left foot.

Ah ha, you see, the plot grows thicker,

And Cindy's luck starts looking sicker.

Next day, the Prince went charging down

To knock on all the doors in town.

In every house, the tension grew.

Who was the owner of the shoe?

The shoe was long and very wide.

(A normal foot got lost inside.)

Also it smelled a wee bit icky.

(The owner's feet were hot and sticky.)

Thousands of eager people came

To try it on, but all in vain.

Now came the Ugly Sisters' go.

One tried it on. The Prince screamed, 'No!'

But she screamed, 'Yes! It fits! Whoopee!

'So now you've got to marry me!'

The Prince went white from ear to ear.

He muttered, 'Let me out of here.'

'Oh no you don't! You made a vow!

'There's no way you can back out now!'

'Off with her head!' The Prince roared back.

They chopped it off with one big whack.

This pleased the Prince. He smiled and said,

'She's prettier without her head.'

Then up came Sister Number Two,

Who yelled, 'Now I will try the shoe!'

'Try this instead!' the Prince yelled back.

He swung his trusty sword and smack

Her head went crashing to the ground.

It bounced a bit and rolled around.

In the kitchen, peeling spuds,

Cinderella heard the thuds

Of bouncing heads upon the floor,

And poked her own head round the door.

'What's all the racket? 'Cindy cried.

'Mind your own bizz,' the Prince replied.

Poor Cindy's heart was torn to shreds.

My Prince! she thought. He chops off heads!

How could I marry anyone

Who does that sort of thing for fun?

The Prince cried, 'Who's this dirty slut?

'Off with her nut! Off with her nut!'

Just then, all in a blaze of light,

The Magic Fairy hove in sight,

Her Magic Wand went swoosh and swish!

'Cindy! 'she cried, 'come make a wish!

'Wish anything and have no doubt

'That I will make it come about!'

Cindy answered, 'Oh kind Fairy,

'This time I shall be more wary.

'No more Princes, no more money.

'I have had my taste of honey.

I'm wishing for a decent man.

'They're hard to find. Do you think you can?'

Within a minute, Cinderella

Was married to a lovely feller,

A simple jam maker by trade,

Who sold good home-made marmalade.

Their house was filled with smiles and laughter

And they were happy ever after.

Roald Dahl

Snow white and the seven dwarfs

When little Snow-White's mother died,

The king, her father, up and cried,

'Oh, what a nuisance! What a life!

'Now I must find another wife!'

(It's never easy for a king

To find himself that sort of thing.)

He wrote to every magazine

And said, 'I'm looking for a Queen.'

At least ten thousand girls replied

And begged to be the royal bride.

The king said with a shifty smile,

'I'd like to give each one a trial.'

However, in the end he chose

A lady called Miss Maclahose,

Who brought along a curious toy

That seemed to give her endless joy ...

This was a mirror framed in brass,

A magic talking looking glass.

Ask it something day or night,

It always got the answer right.

For instance, if you were to say,

'Oh Mirror, what's for lunch today?'

The thing would answer in a trice,

'Today it's scrambled eggs and rice.'

Now every day, week in week out,

The spoiled and stupid Queen would shout,

'Oh Mirror, Mirror on the wall,

'Who is the fairest of them all?'

The Mirror answered every time,

'Oh Madam, you're the Queen sublime.

'You are the only one to charm us,

'Queen, you are the cat's pyjamas.'

For ten whole years the silly Queen

Repeated this absurd routine.

Then suddenly, one awful day,

She heard the Magic Mirror say,

'From now on, Queen, you're Number Two.

'Snow-White is prettier than you!'

The Queen went absolutely wild.

She yelled, 'I'm going to scrag that child!

'I'll cook her flaming goose! I'll skin 'er!

'I'll have her rotten guts for dinner!'

She called the Huntsman to her study.

She shouted at him, 'Listen buddy!

'You drag that filthy girl outside,

'And see you take her for a ride!

'Thereafter slit her ribs apart

'And bring me back her bleeding heart!'

The Huntsman dragged the lovely child

Deep, deep into the forest wild.

Fearing the worst, poor Snow-White spake.

She cried, 'Oh please give me a break!'

The knife was poised, the arm was strong,

She cried again, 'I've done no wrong!'

The Huntsman's heart began to flutter.

It melted like a pound of butter.

He murmured, 'Okay, beat it, kid,'

And you can bet your life she did.

Later, the Huntsman made a stop

Within the local butcher's shop,

And there he bought, for safety's sake,

A bullock's heart and one nice steak.

'Oh Majesty! Oh Queen!' he cried,

'That rotten little girl has died!

'And just to prove I didn't cheat,

'I've brought along these bits of meat.'

'The Queen cried out, 'Bravissimo!

'I trust you killed her nice and slow.'

Then (this is the disgusting part)

The Queen sat down and ate the heart!

(I only hope she cooked it well)

Boiled heart can be as tough as hell.

While all of this was going on,

Oh where, oh where had Snow-White gone?

She'd found it easy, being pretty,

To hitch a ride in to the city,

And there she'd got a job, unpaid,

As general cook and parlour-maid

With seven funny little men,

Each one not more than three foot ten,

Ex horse-race jockeys, all of them.

These Seven Dwarfs, though awfully nice,

Were guilty of one shocking vice ...

They squandered all of their resources

At the race-track backing horses.

(When they hadn't backed a winner,

None of them got any dinner.)

One evening, Snow-White said,

'Look here, 'I think I've got a great idea.

'Just leave it all to me, okay?

'And no more gambling till I say.'

That very night, at eventide,

Young Snow-White hitched another ride,

And then, when it was very late,

She slipped in through the Palace gate.

The King was in his counting house

Counting out his money,

The Queen was in the parlour

Eating bread and honey,

The footmen and the servants slept

So no one saw her as she crept

On tip-toe through the mighty hall

And grabbed the mirror off the wall.

As soon as she had got it home,

She told the Senior Dwarf (or Gnome)

To ask it what he wished to know.

'Go on!' she shouted. 'Have a go!'

He said, 'Oh Mirror, please don't joke!

'Each one of us is stony broke!

'Which horse will win tomorrow's race,

'The Ascot Gold Cup Steeplechase?'

The Mirror whispered sweet and low,

'The horse's name is Mistletoe.'

The Dwarfs went absolutely daft,

They kissed young Snow-White fore and aft,

Then rushed away to raise some dough

With which to back old Mistletoe.

They pawned their watches, sold the car,

They borrowed money near and far,

(For much of it they had to thank

The manager of Barclays Bank.)

They went to Ascot and of course

For once they backed the winning horse

Thereafter, every single day,

The Mirror made the bookies pay.

Each Dwarf and Snow-White got a share,

And each was soon a millionaire,

Which shows that gambling's not a sin

Provided that you always win.

Roald Dahl

And above all, watch with glittering eyes the whole world around you, because the greatest secrets are always hidden in the most unlikely places. Those who don’t believe in magic will never find it.

Roald Dahl

Reading

The most important thing we’ve learned,

So far as children are concerned,

Is never, never, never let

Them near your television set

Or better still, just don’t install

The idiotic thing at all.

In almost every house we’ve been,

We’ve watched them gaping at the screen.

They loll and slop and lounge about,

And stare until their eyes pop out.

(Last week in someone’s place we saw

A dozen eyeballs on the floor.)

They sit and stare and stare and sit

Until they’re hypnotized by it,

Until they’re absolutely drunk

With all that shocking ghastly junk.

Oh yes, we know it keeps them still,

They don’t climb out the window sill,

They never fight or kick or punch,

They leave you free to cook the lunch

And wash the dishes in the sink

But did you ever stop to think,

To wonder just exactly what

This does to your beloved tot?

It rots the sense in the head!

It kills imagination dead!

It clogs and clutters up the mind!

It makes a child so dull and blind

He can no longer understand

A fantasy, a fairyland!

His brain becomes as soft as cheese!

His powers of thinking rust and freeze!

He cannot think - he only sees!

'All right!' you’ll cry. 'All right!' you’ll say,

'But if we take the set away,

What shall we do to entertain

Our darling children? Please explain!'

We’ll answer this by asking you,

'What used the darling ones to do?

'How used they keep themselves contented

Before this monster was invented?'

Have you forgotten? Don’t you know?

We’ll say it very loud and slow:

They … used … to … read!

They’d read and read,

and read and read, and then proceed

To read some more. Great Scott! Gadzooks!

One half their lives was reading books!

The nursery shelves held books galore!

Books cluttered up the nursery floor!

And in the bedroom, by the bed,

More books were waiting to be read!

Such wondrous, fine, fantastic tales

Of dragons, gypsies, queens, and whales

And treasure isles, and distant shores

Where smugglers rowed with muffled oars,

And pirates wearing purple pants,

And sailing ships and elephants,

And cannibals crouching ’round the pot,

Stirring away at something hot.

(It smells so good, what can it be?)

Good gracious, it’s Penelope.)

The younger ones had Beatrix Potter

With Mr. Tod, the dirty rotter,

And Squirrel Nutkin, Pigling Bland,

And Mrs. Tiggy-Winkle and

Just How The Camel Got His Hump,

And How the Monkey Lost His Rump,

And Mr. Toad, and bless my soul,

There’s Mr. Rat and Mr. Mole

Oh, books, what books they used to know,

Those children living long ago!

So please, oh please, we beg, we pray,

Go throw your TV set away,

And in its place you can install

A lovely bookshelf on the wall.

Then fill the shelves with lots of books,

Ignoring all the dirty looks,

The screams and yells, the bites and kicks,

And children hitting you with sticks

Fear not, because we promise you

That, in about a week or two

Of having nothing else to do,

They’ll now begin to feel the need

Of having something to read.

And once they start — oh boy, oh boy!

You watch the slowly growing joy

That fills their hearts. They’ll grow so keen

They’ll wonder what they’d ever seen

In that ridiculous machine,

That nauseating, foul, unclean,

Repulsive television screen!

And later, each and every kid

Will love you more for what you did.

Roald Dahl